Losing it

The last few months have been really tough on me. I guess I've kinda come unraveled emotionally and I definitely have been acting out, lashing out and freaking out. I've tried to apologize to everyone individually, but if you've been at the receiving end of any of my rants lately, then I'll say again that I'm sorry.

I insist on taking responsibility for my actions, but I recognize that I haven't been myself lately. It's not a coincidence that this is happening right as Rosie is getting back on her feet. I really think that I'm just finally starting to deal with 5+ years of issues, now that I don't have to be "the strong one." On one side I'm proud that my strength has helped Rosie in her recovery, and helped our families when they needed stability. Yes, proud, but I also recognize that ignoring my needs has almost killed me. Something had to give... and it was me.

The good news is that I'm settling down somewhat. I'm getting help with the emotional stuff and feeling better all the time. I'm still sleeping too much and not exercising, but at least I am losing weight. Since my last post, my eating and my weight actually got worse... I gained weight and went all the way up to 355-ish at the beginning of June. Right now I'm actually down to 334 lbs., so I've lost about 20 lbs. in the last 6 weeks. The stress actually helped in this regard. I've been eating smaller portions and have spread out my eating over more meals. Also I've been pretty good about less snacking and more good choices, like eating a sandwich instead of a rack of ribs, etc. I'm still not exercising much, but I'm working on that.

I started this blog to reinvent myself, but what I really meant was to just lose weight. Good or bad, life is not that simple. Now I'm reinventing myself in a lot of ways.

Oh, and thanks to everyone who loves and supports me out there. Thanks.