Maybe I over-reacted?

I've been obsessing a little today on the diabetes thing. It's gotten me all bent out of shape and I feel like running away. So I've done some reading and some introspection and I think I may have over-reacted a little. Not that I shouldn't take all this very seriously, but I think I can manage this and it's NOT necessarily a death sentence nor a diagnosis of diabetes.

I think this is me... Idiopathic postprandial syndrome.

Basically, it's hypoglycemia-like symptoms without all the major issues (which is most likely why my doctor was not too worried about it.) It can be fairly easily addressed with weigh loss, more exercise and better eating habits. And by better eating habits, I think it's all stuff I already know and want to do anyway... very limited high-sugar foods (no soda or pie), smaller more complex meals.

This is much better.

This cheers me up.

I can do that.

Eating Better Today

OK, I'm hoping that the episode Monday night was just an issue with my hypoglycemia, since I've read more now and see that hypoglycemia is not always a stepping stone to diabetes.

Regardless, I'm eating better and trying to figure out how I'm going to get some exercise in my schedule.

Breakfast was a breakfast burrito and tea (no coke.) Yes, it's 1100 calories in one meal... but I love it and it's wonderfully complex with grilled chicken, potatoes, eggs and salsa. And a gooey, yummy cheese sauce that probably gums up my arteries... but cut me some slack.

For lunch today I'm eating a banana, and orange and a cup of yogurt. I might get some beef jerky or trail mix later if I feel hungry. The coolest thing is that all this food is provided by my company. We have snack cabinets on each floor with various snacks and sodas. The free sodas were part of my downfall lately, so it just seems right that the snack cabinets should help me eat healthy, too.

Flirting with Diabetes

My doctor told me a couple of years ago that if I'm already seeing energy drops between meals and other hypoglycemia symptoms, that I'm pretty sure to develop full-blown diabetes. It shocked the hell out of me at the time and I immediately started going to the gym 3-4 times a week, ate more whole foods, stopped drinking soda and lost about 40 lbs.

Well, that was like 3 years ago. The last few years I've been fairly pre-occupied with my crazy life and exercise and good eating are things that I've been overlooking. I just haven't had the time.

So, now that I'm back up to a whopping 365 lbs or so, I had an odd incident last night. I've been sick off and on for 3 weeks now and yesterday I just couldn't get out of bed. My head was killing me and I felt achy all over. So I slept almost all day, with a few short periods where I would log in and answer a few emails from work (we're coming up on a release and I'm not happy with my progress at all.) Eventually I woke up around 6 pm and got dressed. I was feeling quite weak and my headache was horrible. I realized then that I had not eaten a single thing all day. So from my dinner with Colleen at 7:30 pm on Sunday until 7:30 pm Monday night I didn't eat or drink, so of course I feel weak, right?

I went to a local Vietnamese restaurant and ordered the Pho Noodle Soup with beef, my favorite. I also drank two Pepsis, which I felt would help my headache since I assumed it was due to caffeine withdrawal. The meal was good and I really spiced it up... it was nice and hot and the broth really cleared out my sinuses. All the fresh veggies were yummy.

Then I got home, talked on the phone a little and as I was on the phone, started realizing that I was having trouble concentrating. After the phone call I got ready to go back to bed. As I was lying down I started shaking and I felt extreme chills through my body. I started sweating horribly and I was horribly weak. I felt an EXTREME urge to drink as much of the Gatorade as I could (I happened to have a 64 oz. bottle of Gatorade near my bed.) I also felt absolutely compelled to eat a bunch of Girl Scout cookies (I had about 10.)

I felt slightly better after drinking and eating the cookies, but was still sweating, chilling and shaking. I couldn't think of anything else to do so I went to bed.

I slept fine, as far as a I know.

The more I thought about it today, I think that was a severe hypoglycemic reaction or maybe even a diabetic event of some sort. And it makes sense... I've let myself go, I've been eating mainly processed junk foods lately and I have drank only soda for weeks. I'm sure I was (and still am) dehydrated and completely lacking in nutrition.

So, I think I'm flirting with Diabetes and I don't like it. Did I mention that my Mom and Dad both have/had Diabetes? Yeah. I'm screwed.

I'm really upset about this but I'm trying to turn that energy into resolve to fix my lifestyle to minimize the impact. Oh, and just because I wrote this on my blog doesn't mean I'm not still in full-blown denial.

Thanks for listening.

Thoughts

I've been really, really sick. The same stuff that's been going around. But I'm feeling better finally. Sleeping extra has seemed to help me fight it, actually.

A post on a discussion group today made me think back to my trip to Rome. I wrote about it so I thought I put it here on my blog.

I had an interesting, i.e. infuriating, conversation with a Pakistani gentleman when I was in Rome. He ran the Internet Cafe at the bottom of the hill below our hotel. After several days of enacting civil commerce, the last day we were there, his Internet connection went down. We were frustrated and sat patiently while he called frantically to try to get it restored. Once he had made his calls and while we all were waiting patiently for the service to come back up, he asked me in broken English why all Americans are so fat. I made a few simple excuses about lack of exercise, differences in cultures, but he persisted... wanted to know why it is so common for Americans to be overweight. Finally, after 8 inquiries, I told him that America is so rich that we all live like kings. There is so much food for so cheap and so easy to get that we all live in luxury and eat all we want and do very little physical work. All the Americans chuckled (Rosie, myself and another tourist we didn't know.) The Pakistani gentleman just looked perplexed.

Then he asked me why I wanted to invade Iraq. I told him "I" didn't want any such thing. He then asked me why I would favor killing innocent people when they had not asked me to intervene. I again tried to clarify that "I" had very different opinions about the U.S. decision to invade Iraq and that I was not a great representative of which to ask such questions. He persisted and was pretty obnoxious about it. I tried several times to tell him that as citizens of a democracy that we have the privilege of voicing our opinions but also the responsibility to support the decisions even if we don't like them. I told him that I very much did NOT like the decision to invade Iraq and that I was fairly vocal against it all along, but that as an American I have to support the decision and hope that we can make the best of an ugly situation.

Long story short, I don't think he understood any of what I said. I think he was just venting on me because his Internet service was not serving Internet and he was pissed. And I think that is what it all boils down to... unhappy people bitch about other people. Unhappy people in every country around the world get "mad" at other countries. It happens and it's because they are unhappy, not necessarily because it's right or productive. The same thing happens in every situation in our lives and should not be taken too seriously... it happens in every office, in every school, in every church and club and community. Stupid, ineffective and unhappy people try to make themselves feel better by bitching loudly about things that they cannot fix and actually don't want to fix because then they wouldn't have anything to bitch about.

Oh, and he charged the full amount for the whole time we were there even though 1/2 the time the Internet was down. I gladly paid it, and a generous tip because I'm an ugly American and the whole bill came to an amount that represents the salary I make in the morning while I'm waiting for my computer to boot up.

Sleepy

I had an eye-opening experience today, and my eyes were closed the whole time.

I worked from home today. I didn't have any meetings scheduled and I needed to concentrate on putting test results into a spreadsheet. Plus I was out of underwear and needed to do laundry. So, I worked from home. And it was cool sitting in the living room, typing away at my spreadsheet and answering questions via email and IM as they came in. I love the Internet!

So, as I'm munching on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, eating a bowl of soup and typing away on my spreadsheet, I realize that I just worked through my lunch while at home. Which seems silly, right? If you're staying home and being extra productive, you should at least take a lunch, right?

So I decided to take a nap. I wasn't particularly tired or sleepy. I had gotten 8-9 hours of sleep the night before, and 7-9 hours every night for the last week. But a nap sounded good and I even put on my CPAP mask to make sure I got some good rest. I did not, however, turn on an alarm. I wasn't very tired so surely I would wake up in roughly an hour, right?

Fast forward to me waking up, feeling wonderfully rested. What a great nap! As I turn off the CPAP machine I happen to glance at the clock... 4:30. Freekin' 4:30! I slept for FIVE HOURS. And slept soundly.

This made me realize that my body is in full sleep reclaiming mode. I knew that I was sleeping better at night, but this makes me think that I need even more sleep. I think that exercising and sleeping more are even more important right now than I had thought. I'm going to try to get more sleep.

Plugging along

I'm still here.

My eating has gotten worse as my life has gotten more hectic lately. I've eaten more pizza and junk in the last two weeks than I thought I ever would. I've also been drinking soda all day every day. And it shows... I'm now back up to my top weight, around 362.

I went to the gym once, last Monday. I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes and lifted some weights. I felt great all day afterward. I'm not sure why I haven't been back. Most days I don't feel like getting up at 6 because I've stayed up too late. I don't have any real excuse. I just need to start going to bed earlier.

I've bought more healthy food for meals at home but haven't been home to eat it. More frustration there.

Despite all of the hustle and bustle, I'm actually thinking a lot about myself and my situation and who I am and what I want. I've done more introspection lately than I have in a long time. It's a long process but I'm on my way.

A new year

The holidays were hectic but good. I feel like I spent a lot of good quality time with my daughter, although much of it was while chaufferring her around the state to various functions. We take what we can get, right?

I seem to have gained weight over November/December. It's no surprise as I've been overeating and not exercising. I need to weigh myself again to set a new baseline for losing weight again.

I'm happy to report that my CPAP machine is doing wonders for me sleeping through the night. I have missed a few nights when I accidentally forgot to pack the machine (I've travelled quite a bit in the last two weeks with the holidays.) I feel better overall with more energy and more clarity in my thinking. And, the few nights that I've missed the machine... I could REALLY tell the difference. It is just unthinkable to me that I have been operating through the last couple of years with almost no real rest. I try to not wonder how things might a have been different, but you have to wonder.

So, it's early January and I'm fat so I'm obligated by society to loudly announce my plans to lose weight this year. And I am planning to lose weight, but not because it's January. This is no New Year's Resolution. This is part of my plan. I'm right on schedule.

With my energy level much higher, it's time to hit the gym again. I want to walk at least 30 minutes 3 times a week at a fairly fast pace, working up faster and faster as I can. I also want to lift weights and do some stretching exercises. I'm hoping to spend maybe an hour a day, starting 3 days a week and working up to 5 days a week. I think that is what sounds like it will make me feel the best. I know I always feel better when I'm working out and I know that losing weight will help me.

The other part I'm starting now is adding more thought to what I'm eating. My eating since moving out of the house has been atrocious. And bad in fat content, calorie content, lack of nutrition and expensive. So I'm going shopping tonight and will start eating better and cheaper.

I'm not developing a "plan" per se, since those plans always peter out and fail. I'm trying to change some very bad habits a little at a time but for the rest of my life. Here are the high points:

1) Start going to the gym before work. Walk 30-40 minutes and do some stretching/weightlifting. 3 days a week at first with goal of working up to 5 days.
2) Start reducing empty calories, particularly soda but including desserts and junk. I can brew tea at the office and I can keep other drinks at home.
3) Find ways to increase fruit and veggie intake significantly. My loose goal is five large servings a day (1 cup each).
4) Start decreasing meat and starch intake significantly. I need to eat less meat and starch. One piece of chicken, not 3. One scoop of mashed potatoes, not 5. Definitely thinking of substituting tofu or beans instead of meat, both of which I like if prepared the right way.

And that's it. No fanfare, no daily requirements, no huge emotional rewards or punishments... just starting to change existing habits and start some new habits that will lead me to a healthy lifestyle.

One step closer to Darth Vader

It's official... I have severe obstructive sleep apnea. I saw the sleep study results and I was waking myself up MORE THAN 80 TIMES an hour... holy crap. Anything over 30 times an hour is considered severe, so I'm WAY over that. It makes me wonder how I've been operating at all with that kind of severe sleep deprivation for years.

The good news is that last night was my first night sleeping with the CPAP machine. It's basically a machine that blows air up my nose all night. It sounds like a horror movie but it's not as bad as you'd think. The mask is ungainly and certainly not pretty, but it's comfortable. It took some effort to breath only through my nose, but I think I did pretty well. I remember waking up several times in the night, typically when the hose or face mask was twisted or pinching me. But overall I slept through the night and I feel much more rested today than I normally do. I'm a little sleepy but not so much that I could put my head down and start snoring. I have a little zip in my step and I feel a little more optimistic about... well, about everything. I'm just in a better mood.

The worst part is that the setup is not exactly comfortable nor sexy. I look like a patient in a burn ward or something. Luckily Colleen has seen her Grandpa's mask and machine so she didn't freak out. I even had her try on my mask and we played with it a little. I didn't want her to have a bad dream and come into my room and have a heart attack.

The machine also makes me sound like Darth Vader, which is sorta cool except he's a bad guy and, well... a burn victim. Hey, if it helps me get good sleep and feel better... I'm up for it.