Deeper meanings

My previous post discussed two big events in the last week for me... a sleep study to diagnose my sleep issues and organizing a huge charity raffle at work. But what I didn't really explain was the reason WHY those are huge things for me.

First, probably the biggest personal issue I have on my plate right now is that I don't take care of myself. Depending on whom you ask, this is caused by severely low self-esteem on my part or because I'm too busy taking care of others or some combination of the two or blah-blah-blah. Simple fact is that I have ignored my personal needs for years and years and now I'm addressing them. So admitting that I have sleep issues and going to a doctor to address them is actually huge for me. So not only am I hopefully going to sleep better once the issues are addressed, but this is the start of a new life for me where I take care of myself. Of course, now I have to find that balance of taking care of myself but not being selfish... finding the time to do both. But, as many people have told me recently, you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be any help to anyone else.

Second, every year I "freak out" about charity giving around Xmas time. For example, the last 2 years at work we've had the "angel trees" described previously where you can voluntarily take any number of specific items to purchase for the families. Each year I discussed the family budget and came to an agreed amount to take, but then took 2-3 times as many. I just can't stop myself. I was that kid when I was growing up. We have pictures of Christmas when I was Colleen's age and there are like 4 presents under the tree, and that was for me and my brother combined. It didn't affect me so much then... I didn't know any different. But it affects me now. It truly "short-circuits" my brain and I impulsively overbuy for those kids. So this year I am NOT overbuying but instead I found a creative and very productive way to use that energy to raise money for the kids.

These are both very subtle changes to outsiders, but to me... this is huge. I am working very hard to adjust my inner foundations, to alter my ingrained reactions to all the crap that I've been through my entire life. These are not small things to attempt and I'm proud that I'm having some success.

Life moves along

A few big things have happened recently that I thought I'd share with the world. First, I requested and then participated in a sleep study this last Friday. They hooked me up with literally 12 different wires and monitors, including pasting electrodes into my hair and beard, bands around my chest, a microphone taped to my Adam's apple and a clip in my nose... and then asked me to go to sleep. As impossible as it sounds, I actually went to sleep immediately. I'm just so damn tired all the time lately, but that's why I had the sleep study.

I tossed and turned until the tech turned on the lights. "It's been two hours," he said. It seemed like it had been 8 hours to me... I thought the test was over. He explained that they are required to watch me for at least two hours to see if they can determine if I have sleep apnea. He said it took about 5 minutes to determine that I had sleep apnea and then they just waited out the two hours.

So he hooked me up to a CPAP machine, which is basically a mask fitted snugly and air-tight over my nose with a hose to a machine that pushes air really hard through my nose. The air flow was so strong that it would blow out my mouth if I left my mouth open. This is supposed to stop snoring and sleep apnea? I really thought they were crazy to think I could sleep with that mask on. I resolved to give it a try since anything to help my sleeping would be welcome, and if I am going to have to get used to the mask, I might as well start that long, painful process as soon as possible.

So, I pretty much fell asleep again as soon as I hit the pillow. It seemed like moments later the tech turned on the lights again and congratulated me on 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep on the CPAP machine. I could hardly believe that I had actually slept that long. He said I had been in a type of sleep they call "rebound." When someone goes without restful REM sleep for too long, the body will take advantage of any good sleep sessions for extra REM sleep. So instead of the regular in and out cycles of REM sleep, he said I was pretty much in REM sleep for the full 5 hours. Wow.

Obviously I didn't have a real concept of REM sleep vs. non-REM sleep, but I know that I felt strangely rested and calm, but it felt so unfamiliar. It scares me to think how long it's been since I had a good night's sleep if it felt that weird to me. Any-hoo, I had a LOT more energy on Saturday than I normally do and I just felt "better." I think I just had a better outlook, if that makes sense. I was more positive... more optimistic. It was nice.

So, I want a CPAP machine for Christmas. My doctor is trying to get me diagnosed and get the machine in December so it will be on this year's tab (my deductible is full so it would be free.) Let's hope he does. I think it's really going to change my life.

Second thing lately is that I made some phone calls last week and singlehandedly collected over $1,000 in prizes for a charity raffle at work. The raffle was my idea so I thought it fitting for me to do the leg work. And it sounds cool but I didn't really do much... I just called roughly 20 businesses located here in downtown Indy that we folks at ExactTarget already use regularly. I asked each of the businesses if they would like to contribute a gift certificate or any other items that we might offer as prizes in our raffle (all proceeds go to the needy families we adopted.) I called so many businesses because I thought I wouldn't get many yeses, but almost everyone donated $50 dollars or so. It was pretty cool.

So I thought I'd just share those items to let you guys know that life is moving along.